Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Just For Laughs

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Kape? Kape? Kape sir?

Pulis: bigyan mo nga kami ng kape bilis magbabayad kami.

May-ari: kape sir? magbabayad kayo?

Pulis: Oo nga! Bilis bigyan mo kami ng kape.

May-ari: Redford dalawang kape nga para kila kapitan! Huwag mo duraan at magbabayad daw!


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Bob Famoso

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,"Geez Bob, you picked up a real witch this time."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Sunday, October 14, 2007


"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes .

Monday, October 8, 2007

Snappy Comeback Lines from Pilosopong Tasyo

"Did you take a bath?"
"Why, Is there one missing?"

"Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"

"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."

"I have changed! my mind."
"Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have?"

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

American Kids vs Filipino Kids

American Kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents
Filipino Kids: Move out when they're 28, may have saved for that nice house and are a week away from getting married .... unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.

American Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings a nice bundt
cake and you sip coffee and chat.
Filipino Kids: When their Mom visits them she brings 3 days worth of food,
and immediately begins to tidy up, dust & do the laundry.

American Kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit
them and its usually only on special occasions.
Filipino Kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads come over, unannounced on a Saturday morning at 8:00 and starts pruning the peach & lemon trees. And if there are none, he will plant some!

American Parents: You can leave your kids with them and you always worry if everything is going to be ok plus you have to feed them after you pick them up.
Filipino Parents: No problem, leave your kids there and if they get out
of line your parents can set them straight .... plus they get bathed,
fed and get told stories of when you were young.

American Kids: Always pay retail and look in the yellow pages when they need something done.
Filipino Kids: Just call their dad or uncle and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done .... cash deal.

American Kids: Will come over to visit their parents and get only cake and coffee, no more.
Filipino Kids: Will come over to visit their parents for lunch and get B-B-Q, Pancit, Lumpia, Adobo and Rice and stay for late dinner as well.

American Kids: Think that being Filipino is a great thing,
Filipino Kids: Know that being Filipino is a great thing,

American Kids: Never ask the reason you have no food.
Filipino Kids: Are the reason you have no food.

American Kids: Will say 'hello" but are hesitant to hug.
Filipino Kids: Will give you a big hug and a kiss, and great big hand shake and pat you on the back.

American Kids: Hardly invite over to eat or they have to share their portion.
Filipino Kids: You always have your friends over to have something to eat regardless

American Kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Filipino Kids: Call your parents Uncle & Auntie.

American Kids: Have never seen you cry.
Filipino Kids: Cry with you.

American Kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Filipino Kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing and just being together.

American Kids: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Filipino Kids: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.

American Kids: Know a few things about you.
Filipino Kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

American Kids: Will leave their parents behind.
Filipino Kids: Will hang out with their parents.

American Kids: Would knock on your door.
Filipino Kids: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"

American Kids: Are for a while.
Filipino Kids: Are for life.

American Kids: Will ignore this.
Filipino Kids: Will forward this.